Very insightful note, Marc. I see my younger self in it, always trying to help friends who share an issue with me. I’ve become better at « holding space » and happy to know there’s a name for it!
They have a name for everything now, don't they? :-) I am sure that happened to all of us. To me at least, you always seems to strike that perfect mentoring balance of listening with empathy and guiding with knowledge.
Thanks for the comment. So happy you're here reading.
The whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking about the communication dynamic I have with my Mum. How I just wish she could really hear me, rather than provide endless comparisons. They are of course her attempt to show empathy, but they come across so tone deaf, and at times narcissistic, that it just feels like more pain on pain. I long for her to just say sometimes “I hear you, I’m sorry. I can’t pretend to understand, we’ve spent our adulthoods in such different worlds, but I’m here for you.”
And then of course your article discussed the parent-child dynamic! Another brilliantly thorough read, thank you Marc.
Thanks for this. Serendipity may be at work again, because I’m actually working on a piece that touches exactly this. What feels strange in dynamics like that is that once we stop reacting fast, we sometimes start seeing more clearly what is actually happening in the other person. Almost like putting on new glasses. Not just that we’re not being heard, but maybe why. What they seem unable to do for us given what we need and where they go instead ... like other person suddenly feels less emotionally capable than we had wanted or needed. When it comes from parents, that also brings an entirely new challenge. We often feel like we are disappointed, then feel like we judge, then feel guilty, then disappointed. And then often, bring it back to us.
I also find it interesting what happens when we learn a skill and begin to see someone else unable to do the same. The temptation to teach can be strong. I think a lot of us know that impulse. A bit like the know-it-all university sophomore talking they their parents, or someone in therapy wanting to verbalize every new layer of growth and awakening to friends or even strangers. Sometimes that comes from generosity, but I suspect also from discomfort ... probably both.
There’s likely a lot more at play underneath all that, so my hunch is that’s where my next essay is headed.
Appreciate the sharing Anita. Thanks again.
— Marc
P.S. I just did it myself there, didn't I? Let me then just say this:
I am looking forward to your next piece! The way you explore a concept so deeply always leaves me feeling like I’ve learnt something and have something new to take away for consideration. (Massive understatement and doesn’t do your writing or your brilliant brain justice, but it’s early here and I’m only just starting on my coffee!)
This is strong, Marc. You took “holding space” out of therapy cliché territory and made it concrete, disciplined, and human. The line about us trying to regulate our own discomfort by regulating someone else’s emotions is especially sharp. Glad you got it out the door. Imperfect usually beats endlessly polishing yourself into silence. ☺️
What you describe about learning to stay present with the emotional weight of a moment feels especially relevant inside intimate relationships. When someone is moving through something difficult, the instinct to fix or interpret can be strong, but what often matters most is simply knowing the other person can remain there with you.
That kind of presence changes the experience of being heard.
Very insightful note, Marc. I see my younger self in it, always trying to help friends who share an issue with me. I’ve become better at « holding space » and happy to know there’s a name for it!
Hello Charleen
They have a name for everything now, don't they? :-) I am sure that happened to all of us. To me at least, you always seems to strike that perfect mentoring balance of listening with empathy and guiding with knowledge.
Thanks for the comment. So happy you're here reading.
Warmest Regards
Marc
The whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking about the communication dynamic I have with my Mum. How I just wish she could really hear me, rather than provide endless comparisons. They are of course her attempt to show empathy, but they come across so tone deaf, and at times narcissistic, that it just feels like more pain on pain. I long for her to just say sometimes “I hear you, I’m sorry. I can’t pretend to understand, we’ve spent our adulthoods in such different worlds, but I’m here for you.”
And then of course your article discussed the parent-child dynamic! Another brilliantly thorough read, thank you Marc.
Hello Anita,
Thanks for this. Serendipity may be at work again, because I’m actually working on a piece that touches exactly this. What feels strange in dynamics like that is that once we stop reacting fast, we sometimes start seeing more clearly what is actually happening in the other person. Almost like putting on new glasses. Not just that we’re not being heard, but maybe why. What they seem unable to do for us given what we need and where they go instead ... like other person suddenly feels less emotionally capable than we had wanted or needed. When it comes from parents, that also brings an entirely new challenge. We often feel like we are disappointed, then feel like we judge, then feel guilty, then disappointed. And then often, bring it back to us.
I also find it interesting what happens when we learn a skill and begin to see someone else unable to do the same. The temptation to teach can be strong. I think a lot of us know that impulse. A bit like the know-it-all university sophomore talking they their parents, or someone in therapy wanting to verbalize every new layer of growth and awakening to friends or even strangers. Sometimes that comes from generosity, but I suspect also from discomfort ... probably both.
There’s likely a lot more at play underneath all that, so my hunch is that’s where my next essay is headed.
Appreciate the sharing Anita. Thanks again.
— Marc
P.S. I just did it myself there, didn't I? Let me then just say this:
I see you!
I am looking forward to your next piece! The way you explore a concept so deeply always leaves me feeling like I’ve learnt something and have something new to take away for consideration. (Massive understatement and doesn’t do your writing or your brilliant brain justice, but it’s early here and I’m only just starting on my coffee!)
What a nice thing to say. Thank you for the encouragement to keep sharing.
Namaste
This is strong, Marc. You took “holding space” out of therapy cliché territory and made it concrete, disciplined, and human. The line about us trying to regulate our own discomfort by regulating someone else’s emotions is especially sharp. Glad you got it out the door. Imperfect usually beats endlessly polishing yourself into silence. ☺️
Marc, thank you for writing this.
What you describe about learning to stay present with the emotional weight of a moment feels especially relevant inside intimate relationships. When someone is moving through something difficult, the instinct to fix or interpret can be strong, but what often matters most is simply knowing the other person can remain there with you.
That kind of presence changes the experience of being heard.